Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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