you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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