you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
