ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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