lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
