Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
