i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
