Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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