So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
