fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I won the penis lottery.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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