Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
