No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
