I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
