This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
