sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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