Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That accounts for only three of the penises
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
