I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
