im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
