He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
