Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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