Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
