My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
