dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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