How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
