Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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