Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
