The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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