My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
