Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
