I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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