i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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