i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
