Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
