he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
