Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
