Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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