At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
