Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
