Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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