He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
