Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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