Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
