I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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