someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
