nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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