Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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