I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
