We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
