i already hear my dad disowning me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I did not marry a roomba.
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