fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
