My cat gives me a boner
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
