life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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