ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
