Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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