I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Houston, we have a blender
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
