Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
