do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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