she looked like the before picture.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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