smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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