just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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