My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
