my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
