I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Rumble strips road head = magical
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
