Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
birth control should be required to get into college
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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