She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
